The Growth Series

Question

Our mothers told us it was okay to cry but our fathers never did. We wanted to listen to our mothers but for some reason we thought it best to please our fathers. Why?

This is a question posed by a certain young man, so it may not be applicable to everyone reading, but it is a question worth looking into.

Sigmund Freud (popular psychologist) created a theory known as the Oedipus complex (for boys) and Electra complex (for girls), but due to the question, I’ll only focus on the Oedipus complex.

I’m sure you’ve read the story of Oedipus, if you have not I suggest you do. Basically Sigmund tells us that from ages 3-6 we go through the phallic stage. Here we see our father figures as competition and usually a hindrance to what we want.

Because of this we find ourselves at odds with “dad” and this leads us to listening more to him because afterall he is probably doing everything we would like to be able to do someday. So mum may tell us to cry but because dad is kinda the man and we want to be him we find it hard not to stop the tears once dad tells us “boys don’t cry”.

The flawed ideology behind tears is that, they are a sign of weakness. But these are tears our bodies produce naturally especially when emotions hit. So why are guys told not to cry because they are “men”.

As a guy I have cried many times and still cry when the emotions give me a bear hug and won’t easily let go. But crying should not be an excuse for not being decisive in actions.

Last time I cried, was this very month of July 2018, I had found out my highschool friend had passed away and I failed to deal. I left my desk at work, locked myself in the bathroom and cried till tears stopped being produced and I got a nasty headache (in light of that headache, maybe crying isn’t for everyone. Lord knows how those who cry about anything make it through the day).

Some time last year, my baby brother and I had a deep heart to heart talk. Yes, baby bro and I literally had a heart to heart. I was thinking out loud and he was there just listening. Then we started going through different scenarios of what it meant to take doing Kutambokisa seriously would actually mean.

Baby bro straight up asked me, if I was going to move out of the house and leave him. I had considered this to be an option but not an urgent option. I was hesitant with my reply which to him meant yes I am absolutely moving out. Next thing I knew baby Bro was tearing up and I had no wise words of comfort.

So I gave him a hug and then we both started crying because the moment was overwhelming for us both. We hugged and cried and for some reason the water works never stopped. We cried some more and then I had to be the big brother and end the moment, which took another few minutes to completely be done.

I’m a firm believer in allowing the feels to be felt. So if crying is the feels then allow them to be a sweet release. I am, however, against wallowing in the feels without making any attempt to make progress and move on.

I like the Bible as a book because of its practicality so I will quote something of interest;

Psalms 126:5 speaks on sowing seed in tears and reaping rewards in joy. Which I understand to mean that as people we will cry and be emotional and it will suck. So cry but don’t put off the sowing of your seed in that day because when tomorrow comes you will feel alot better, especially when your seed bears much fine fruit.

It won’t be easy going against the grain but if you have questions, I will do my best to find some answers.

Not everyone is at fault, but everyone is responsible, it does afterall take a village to raise a child and now we are a global village.

Facebook: Mushasho Phiri

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