I never expected Mr and Mrs. Mwewa to be so inviting, especially to a stranger who just knocked on their door. I probably wouldn’t have opened the door for myself that day. Regardless of the time, having a stranger into your house for whatever reason is weird.
I was weird and they still let me in. I met Chileshe in his room and even he didn’t kick me out.
But I feel like my therapist lied to me. She said, I owed it to myself to fulfill Chileshe’s wish. Said I owed it to him to write and finally find closure. But after 5 years of trying to avoid thinking about him and another year of therapy. I have come to the conclusion that closure is either moving on with life or closing life.
Chileshe always told me his life made no sense. He called me his own mushrooms because I made his life exciting. He felt high when he was with me. But a man cannot be an addict and want to continue living life on his own terms.
Before he killed himself he sent me a voice note, I never got to open it because I was too busy with exams and when the news finally reached me I could never bear to listen to it.
I think I finally understand Chileshe, dying is a better prospect than life. When life has nothing to offer you that can get rid of all the pain and sorrow. Its been 6 years, 72 months of attempting to live a life that is fulfilling. 72 months of trying to dodge ghosts at every mall.
I am tired of going round life with a smile that doesn’t seem like it belongs to me. Fake it till you make it and after 72 months of faking it, my soul is tired and my body feels like it belongs to another.
I know what Chileshe did was selfish by taking his own life, but I understand. I hate that i understand, hate that I feel like I’m giving him a way out for leaving me alone. Hate that the burden of loving someone also comes with the grief of having to bury them.
But because I understand, I am sorry for putting you in this awkward position. I leave no will and no wishes. When you find my body lifeless and cold please do what you feel you must. After 31 Years of trying to survive this life thing, I have come to the conclusion that maybe death is more my default setting.
I ask nothing else than you forget me and live your lives uninhibited by my lack of life. Move on and feel no distress. I am finally not afraid to follow the people I have loved and who have left me.
If you’re reading this, Thank you.