The Sunken Place

Maybe I’m not over you. I had a routine and now it’s ruined. Let me explain…

When it’s 17 and I pack up. One less distraction off my plate. I find the walk from work to my pick up destination very rejuvenating. So when I saw you, that Tuesday, dressed for meetings I have to admit, my jaw has had a hard time closing.

Not because you looked gorgeous, you always do. But because it was the first time I had seen you since our relationship ended.
So maybe it’s lack of closure (whatever that looks like). I get asked, “what do you need closure for, when you ended the relationship?”

That’s a true question, for the most part I don’t have an answer. If I did, I probably wouldn’t be writing this would be open letter.

Anyway…
Like I said earlier, I was taken by you and you did nothing but say Hi.

Ignoring it was easy enough, truth be told, being productive was the secret. Until Sunday 3rd May, witching hour (3am).
I had just finished working (yes at 3) and I couldn’t sleep nor could I distract myself further. Care to guess what happened next?

With nothing but time, no distractions, and coffee still coursing through my blood stream. My entire being focused on you.

In every picture I have of you, you look like you do not belong to the time the image was taken. You have the most elegant atmosphere about you. Star struck is probably an understatement, but that I was.

And so with nothing but time on my hands I was forced to look at you with all the focus two mugs of coffee and what in the moment seemed like endless time, could afford me.

When that realisation hit my focused mind I was ready to bang my head on the table. I was ready to walk outside at 4 and rather have the cold keep my thoughts occupied.

Do I regret the break up? Everyday.
Everyday I don’t see you, everyday I pick up a scent that reminds me of you. And on that particular night?

The fact I couldn’t wake you up just to hear your sleepish voice was too much. But I didn’t call, how could I?

What does one say at 3 in the morning without sounding crazy? I have so many an unanswered questions I almost feel like I wasn’t the one who ended it.

Witching hour though teaches many a lesson. On the morning in question, mine was regret and patience. Regret because I mean you’re an amazing person regardless of our differences.

Patience because after seeing you my mind was literally trying all manners of things to make me forget you so I could process and continue to live life unaffected.
But I shall forever be affected by you. If there is one important lesson to take away from how badly I want to call, meet and ask you to take me back.

It’s the fact that through realising how affected by you I still am, I can take solace in the fact that talking about you to anyone who will hear me, will not make my life easier but it helps clears my confusion.

It feels like I’m in the sunken place, I can see everything, but my responses do not feel like my own. From that Tuesday, it’s like I’ve been watching things happen and all I can do is just watch from the sides.

You are my sunken place. An experience I will never be able to forget.

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